Q. My father is an alcoholic and, in my opinion, stuck in his ways, but a good grandfather. How can I let this man be around my children?

A. Thank you for writing. I can tell this is a very painful situation for you.

Alcoholism is a very serious disease that many people suffer from, but I will address the pain beneath the disease.

I think it is nice that your father wants to be a part of your children’s lives, but I can tell that perhaps he was not such a good father to you, in your opinion.

It is not uncommon that many grandparents are very loving and less restrictive when it comes to their grandchildren. The rules that apply to parenting do not always apply to being a grandparent. For example, you may have been in trouble for every little thing, but your parents let your children get away with almost everything.

Grandparents typically feel they have a special obligation to spoil their grandchildren. Therefore, I think your children should not be denied the love of their grandfather.

With that said, here are my two concerns. First, obviously you must set rules — such as no drinking around the children or family, and he must be sober when visiting. If you can agree on this, I think it can be a pleasant visit.

Secondly, you are obviously grieving the relationship you did not have with your father. There is so much I want to say, but here is something to get you going in the right direction. Know that your father is human, a man with his own past, his own failures, hurts and disappointments.

Let him live his life, offering help when you can and feeling no guilt when you have to say no. Enjoy the good times you share. In fact, cherish them, and keep living your life to the best of your ability.

Don’t lie to yourself and say you don’t need your father in your life. But you can determine how much you want him in your life.

And finally, something tells me deep down you wonder if he loves you. I would say he does, and he probably regrets not being a better father — perhaps still does not know how to be — but here is a million-dollar piece of advice I offer to my clients: Grieve the parent you want, and you will learn to love the one you have.

Dr. Carletta N. Perry holds a doctorate in clinical psychology, with specialties in marriage and family. She is a professor of psychology, a therapeutic life coach and relationship expert, as well as author, radio and television host and entrepreneur. Catch her new television show, “It’s Life Changing with Dr. Carletta Perry,” Sundays at 11 p.m. on Charter channel 191 and on YouTube. Email your own questions for this feature to contact@drcarlettaperry.com.