By Rex Alphin
Guest columnist

Why did no one tell me about this? Was I absent in school that day? Did I miss that class? Existing all this time and there has been no great fanfare?

Why, there should have been a parade! A great campaign to inform the public that such a thing exists. Billboards, full-page ads, hot air balloons, radio and television blitzes. This should be a Super Bowl commercial, the platform for campaigns, fireworks.

It’s mystical, I tell you. Not of this world. It transcends meaning. No math equation can explain the enigma it entails. Like some elusive butterfly, its beauty can be comprehended but not grasped. That it cannot be bought magnifies it worth. That it cannot be defined solidifies its existence.

But try and define it, I must.

It is an expansion of your DNA, an extension of your flesh, a replication of your being. It is a room one does not know exists until the first step is taken inside. Yet once entered, to your amazement, the beauty is astounding, enthralling, mesmerizing! You want all those you know to accompany you, to experience this place, to travel this path.

Where you once spent your days passionately pursuing the duties our daily lives demand, you are now perfectly content just sitting and watching. Forget the clothes piled in the chair. Forget the house in disrepair. Changing the oil in the car can wait. Call the Smiths and tell them you’ll be late.

For he has just discovered a bouncing ball. He is standing. On his own! Come see! He took a step! Look! Call the neighborhood! Call the newspaper!

But now, be quiet. Shhhhhhhhh. Just watch now, as he picks that toy tractor out of the box and scoots it along while pursing his lips. Just watch as he points to the sky and makes a sound. Just watch. Look at those little fingers. Shhhhhhh. Watch now. He’s looking your way. He’s looking right at you. Here he comes, arms outstretched. Pick him up. Pick him up. Notice how content he seems in your arms. Your arms. Kiss him on the neck. Squeeze him. Watch him laugh.

I’m telling you, reader, you’ve got to get one of these. Beg, borrow, cheat, steal, plead, bribe. Sell your house, your car, your hair, your farm. Talk to your lawyer, your banker, your real estate agent. Look to the heavens and ask. Send letters, sign a contract, whatever.

No living, breathing, heart-beating human should ramble through life without one of these. I’m telling you, reader, you’ve got to get yourself a grandchild.