Dear Santa,

Considering this is the Christmas list of someone who is a little outside the age range you normally cover, I was hoping you could extend your Christmas spirit a tad bit. (After all, I’m only 408 months.)

So, in the hopes of this letter making in to your desk, or iPad, or whatever you use to receive Christmas lists in the North Pole these days, I just thought I’d throw caution to the wind and ask for a few things.

I understand there’s a naughty and nice list you refer to when it comes to how you decide who gets gifts. On that point, I’d liked to argue my case a bit, seeing as how I’m a little unclear on what constitutes naughty and nice these days.

All I can say in my defense — should my name actually be on the naughty side of the list — is that when it comes to being good, my mother always told me “If you can’t be good, be good at it.”

So based on the logic of my dear departed mother, I would say I have been very good this year. But, of course, it’s your call on that one, Santa.

That said, here is my list of Christmas wishes:

4Is there any chance you could bring the Miami Dolphins a winning season, a quarterback, or even a playoff berth in this or any other season within the next 5 years?

4If you could find a way to end the incredible number of creaks and cracks my knees and back make when I get up in the morning, that would be great. My doctor says they’d be resolved by getting more exercise but I know you know better Santa. After all, we have similar builds, and you make it around the world in one night. So, I know you’re in good shape and can understand where I’m coming from.

4Can I get an endless supply of bacon with no calories, salt, sugar, or fat yet still tastes like regular bacon?

4This may be out of your realm of abilities, but can you change the definition of the word “diet” to mean something different than what my doctor takes it to mean? Can it at least mean that water and skim milk are not the only beverages I may drink?

4This may sound like a complaint, but I only mention it to make sure you are getting all of your mail from your delivery service: I have yet to receive the Chinese food buffet next to my bed. Maybe those letters just got caught in the crack between the driver’s seat and the console of your deliveryman’s car. Not a big deal. It happens all the time. Just thought I’d mention it. So …

Most of all, Santa, I’d like you to give my loved ones and health care professionals the patience they undoubtedly need to continue to try to make a happier, healthier me. They constantly remind (or nag, if you will) that sausage gravy is not, in fact, a kind of smoothie, and that moderation does not mean eating an entire buffet at a medium speed.

They deserve every other gift you can think to bring them. They’ve all worked very hard to ruin my fun in order to save my life.

More important, though, give them my love, respect, and my acknowledgement that the love and care they have given me are actually everything I could ever need for this and every Christmas.